My Resolution to Cry More, The Link Between Tears and Porn, and Shifting from Objectification to Subject-Relation

Even though it’s not New Years or anything, the other day I made a resolution: Cry More. I resolve to cry more.  While society teaches us (especially men) to NEVER weep, a couple of years ago yoga teacher and friend, Meghan Currie, helpfully encouraged us instead of fighting back and holding our tears, to let them flow.  “Tears are like pee from your eyeballs,” she noted.  Just like when our bladders need to go to the bathroom, we go, when our eyes feel like crying, we should allow the waterworks.

I share this story because while a friend and I were talking about this topic/dilemma the other day, I realized: I cry easily and readily at movies, but virtually never in life.  Why is that?  After I let this observation swirl around in my mind for a while, I realized I think there’s a relationship between my/our culture’s prohibition on crying and porn problem (I’m 10 years sober from a porn addiction).

A framework that’s been helping me in a lot of ways lately is considering things in terms of subject-object relationship.  Objects are things, people, ideas, etc. that we hold at a distance, study, cheer, hate, and so on.  Scientists study objects.  Subjects, meanwhile, are people, animals, etc. who we bring in close, hug, kiss, have an authentic relationship with, and so on.  People do life with subjects.  My theory is crying is taboo and porn is rampant in our culture because objects are safer and easier than subjects. Let’s look at my situations to see what I mean.

The aha moment for me in regard to how easily I cry at movies was realizing: When things are fake, unreal, or removed I can hold it, feel it, and engage for a moment before putting it back on the “shelf” and walking away because there’s no lasting link or relationship between us.  While watching the new “A Star is Born” film, for instance, my heart was broken and eyes flooded for a few minutes … and then life was back to normal goodness because it was just a story, an object.

The reasons for my past enslavement to porn are more complex than this, but I think a big reason I went back to those images of women over and over and over again was because I could use them for “pleasure” and then put them aside without having to go into the complexity of a real relationship.  The fakeness of porn was safer and easier than the vulnerability of real interactions.

What I’m getting at is dealing with objects is safer and easier than relating to subjects because objects are at a relational distance from us, wherein they don’t deeply move us, won’t impact our souls, and can’t truly touch or hurt our hearts.  It seems to me I cry more readily at movies because I only briefly have to go to sorrow, whereas if I allowed my heart to really feel what’s going on in the lives of people close to me when things are rough, the grief would be both more intense and long lasting.

My goal is to be as alive, as loving, and as connected with others as possible, so by committing to crying more what I’m really resolving to do is relate with people more as subjects than objects.  I’m committing to holding people close, feeling all the feels, leaving my heart wide open, and diving into the messiness of life.  I invite you to join me.  Here’s to less objectification and more tender, caring, and kind relation!